I Have a Phobia

Thank you for all your kind remarks on this post. I hope I don't throw you all out of the water with this post but I want to introduce you all to someone. Please make the acquaintance of our local group's 2008-09 Co-op Plans:

These spreadsheets are the brainchild of my friend Brandie.

Aren't they beautiful?

She did separate spread sheets for Elementary, Junior High, and High School.

On our first day of school I sat down with my three students and went through the Overall General Plans. I gave each child a highlighter pen and had them highlight the classes and activities they were interested in taking.

Good timing. Later that evening my friend Lori's oldest daughter called to take our information and get us signed up.

That's a story in itself considering how we both agreed to support one another in our decision to not get involved in co-op this year.

We've been to yet another planning meeting since that fateful day. I also went with Lori to scout the building we will be using for co-op. We agreed that if the church was not available to us we would take that as our sign that it was not God's will that we do co-op this year.

The church called back offering us 8 classrooms, a gym, and a playground.  For free!  The excitable members of our local group were understandably excited. I was frozen. Here is where my phobia kicks in.

We've done co-op in the past. It's exhausting.

My 10-yr-old has her own phobia to deal with. Last year she got sick with the flu on a co-op day, got weak, hot, and nauseous in the building and passed out. She's very apprehensive about attending any more co-ops.   

I have my "plans" for the new school year. The shelves are neatly stocked and I can lay my hand on any book at any given time.

Outside of this the girls are enrolled in soccer, ballet and tap, and CCD. We're doing 4-H as well. We had to delete orchestra from our schedule because it conflicted with ballet. Maybe next year, my daughter decided, though I know she really enjoyed learning harp this summer. I was proud of her for making such a grown-up, logical decision regarding two things she desired to do. Then there is my 15-yr-old son who is only involved on our homeschool basketball team and a Confirmation prep class.  But the basketball team travels all over Louisiana and is a huge commitment in itself. We're fortunate to have homeschool friends and coaches who offer to take him when we can't but there is still the huge commitment to support your child as much as you can and the monetary expense. 

Our evenings are full. Not all of these are my plans. I do not need this level of stimulation. I did not need this level of stimulation as a child. I hate this level of stimulation. It's not me at all.

Did I really want to commit to this heavy of a schedule at the mercy of others?

One thing sold me.

We have a lot of 9th graders this year. Most, if not all, are following the MODG program. The co-op was set-up primarily for our high schoolers. Through the co-op we are offering the high schoolers a regimented class day. All core subjects will be covered with certified teachers (who happen to be homeschooling mothers) who are volunteering their time. The students will be held accountable the rest of the week to do their assignments during the week.

Since most hsing families are large ones, we felt the need to offer classes for the younger siblings who would be there as well.

It's a wonderful group and an exciting opportunity.

Again, it is exhausting.

The spreadsheets that Brandie took so much time and effort on are beautiful. I printed them out just to have them in my hands to bask over and enjoy the structure and beauty of it all.

But the phobia in the back of my mind lurks, teases me, daunts me, ridicules me.

"You're going to give up this kind of day and this kind of learning to deal with this kind of day? Are you crazy?"

And "You know the day is not going to be as pleasant and flawless and effortless as these spreadsheets lead you to believe."

Yes, I know that. Like I said, we've done co-op many times. I taught Shakespeare last spring semester.  I know all about co-ops. I also know that we "home"-educate for a reason. I like my home and I'm not so sure that busy-plans are the best plans to make. "Busy" is the plan the devil uses to keep us focused on ourselves and things of this world and not on God's plans.

I gulp and look back at my new co-op binder:

It is pretty, I concede. There's a lot of time and effort put into planning this. Just think, a certified math teacher. A real-life high school English teacher who misses the interaction of high schoolers in a classroom setting. Great structure for my high schooler. Good prep for upcoming college days. Short of pint-size expenses and a love offering for the church, it's free. It'd be a shame not to take advantage of it all.

The phobia I carry stems from my early years. I remember early school days with brand news crayons, workbooks, and notebooks. I hated to mess them up. They were so gleaming bright and promising. Once I began making my marks on them the newness dulled, the excitment spoiled, the promises died. The end result between those glossy covers was never as beautiful as I envisioned it. Never.

It continues today. Even the books I've written...and I've written a few...are never as gleaming bright and beautiful as they first looked in my mind's eye. I look between the glossy covers and see the flaws, the lack of, the gaps in those books. My phobia feeds on this.

So will we do co-op? Only I know how grateful I am to the group of homeschool families who God has blessed my family with...in abundance. Only I know how lucky I am to have grandparents and friends who are willing to carpool my children to soccer, dance, and basketball when the need arises. Only I know the limitations of my phobia.

But God knows who He would like to encourage to mark on the pages of this book I claim so guardedly. Perhaps, just perhaps, they can help me to see the flaws, sense the lack of, and fill in those gaps. God knows the buried treasure He is equipping me to dig for.  And dig I must. I was not put here upon this earth to do anything for myself. I was put here to serve others.

So will we do co-op?

I received a phone call from the other co-op group asking me to do Shakespeare again this fall.  I spent a couple weeks praying about it. Then this co-op evolved and one MODG class presented itself which we didn't have a teacher for: the religion class based on two of Fr. Laux's catechism books. A teacher was needed to moderate the class.  That is where God has placed me this season.

I keep in mind that when I go before my Lord, He will not ask me if I have been successful. He will ask if I have been faithful.

I wish only to serve and please Him.

When I consider my phobia concerning the blemish my mark will surely leave on the beautiful plans these spreadsheets promise, I remember this: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

Comments

[Jane]

As mom of seven and former classroom teacher (but new to homeschooling) I can appreciate your post! I thought you might like to hear that we purchased your Catholic Mosaic for use this year and with the overly-critical eye of a teacher, I have to say...I LOVE it! I think it looks great and I like that it provides a framework, while not being overwhelming. I hope that you find the same from your new school year schedule.

God Bless,
Jane

[Paula in MN]

Cay, you have incredible timing. Remember I mentioned the group of women that were here on Tuesday for a meeting? It was a coop meeting - it is changing direction. Ideally, it will be more challenging for the kids and less play and chat time. I am worried about the time the kids and I will have to spend at home preparing for this new direction. Time I already don't have with my son, time we should be learning, and enjoying each other's company. You've raised some interesting points for me to chew on.

[Carole in Wales]

Cay, so well said (written)! How often I wish for the support of a co-op, but how often I also think of the time that it ties up in teaching. It is wonderful that you can reach a happy medium keeping in mind that is faithfulness and not success that God is asking you for. How well stated!

And I remember when I was considering homeschooling (years ago), how a friend said to me that it was only through Him that I could have what it took to educate my children! How true these words were then as now! Thank you so much for your inspiration.

[Jennifer]

Beautifully written, Cay. It expresses so well the angst we go through as we discern too much, not enough, just right...the give and take in prayer, and letting go of our own ideas in order to make room for the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

Darn those spreadsheets are lovely, aren't they!

[SuzanneG]

Beautiful, Cay. I know that I will have to be dealing with this same phobia in a mere couple of years and it almost makes me cry just thinking about it.

"He will ask if I have been faithful."
Hugs sent to you, my faithful friend.
Suzanne

[Genevieve]

Oh gosh! I could have written your post only my kids are all still in preschool! We finally have a homeschool group but it's a mere 40 miles away. Praying, praying about it!