Those Dynamite Teens

Those dynamite teens!  They're like firecrackers.  They can get very hot and even blow up in a flash, but they let out a brilliant glow and colorful display that is all their own making.

I know I write a lot about my little girls because one can do so many fun things with children when they are young.  But that doesn't mean I don't do a lot with and enjoy my teenagers.

Teenagers are wonderful.  They help to cook.  They run errands for you.  They help watch the younger ones.  They are a support during times of stress.  They love to go with you on a shopping trip.  They do jobs for their grandparents.  They do jobs around the house.  You always have a ready partner to go to the movies with.  You have a built-in friend to go to Pampered Chef and jewelry parties with.  And there is never a dull moment if you have a teenager in your household.

I love babies.  I really do.  I think children are the most fun from ages 0-4 years.  I am one of those people who feared and dreaded the teen years.  Before my oldest turned thirteen, I thought How am I going to handle a teenager?  What am I going to do with him? 

Society had been programming this mindframe into me from the time I was a teenager.  I'd heard this refrain throughout my teen years, through my college years, and into my working years.  Even as I held my newborn in my arms people took delight in telling me,  "He's sweet right now but just wait until he becomes a teenager."

But, when it was my own child becoming a teenager, I was able to look at him and say, "This is still Junior"  then "This is still Princess" then "This is still GameBoy."  And none of them looked that horrible.  Why would I dread my own child?  There had to be another side of the coin.

So seven years ago, I made a very willful decision that I would laugh in the face of disdain.  I would smile in the face of scorn.  I would joke in the face of ill-humor.  Even if it was my own child's face.  Where has this decision gotten me?  So far, so good.  We still have several rows to hoe (some people tell me the twenties are worse than the teen years), but I weed as needed and keep working God's garden.  He doesn't call me to do it all (there are others to help: spouse, grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) but to try my best.  He doesn't tell me to worry about the rows ahead and chop at the days that are not here yet.  He tells me to live in the here and now and not worry about tomorrow.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  There is enough work to do today without burdening ourselves with other anxieties.

"Therefore don't be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Each day's own evil is sufficient."  Matthew 6:34

I might not be successful, but I'll remain faithful and focused on the task at hand.

And so for the last seven years we've had a teenager in our home...then two...then this past year we've had three teens living, eating, sleeping, dancing, lazying, prowling, and breathing in our home.

The secret is in finding joy and keeping our children's heart.  How do we do that?  Luckily, someone has already written a book.  I have learned a great deal from reading books by the Maxwell Family. Keeping our Children's Hearts and Just Around the Corner are two books I would suggest starting with.  For mothers wanting to avoid conflict beforehand, I suggest reading Teri Maxwell's Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit.  I have also personally benefited greatly from Stephen Covey book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.

Many people equate the teen years will sullenness, moodiness, sensitivity, and outbursts of anger.  My thirteen-year-old seems to be in the mist of this, only the outbursts haven't become amplified,  possibly because I don't give my child any chance to amplify.  We talk often.  They know where to find me and they know I listen.  They don't have to yell or hollar because I'm already listening.  Respectfully so.  That's another key.  Drop whatever you're doing and listen.  Your teen wants very much to talk and know that someone is listening to him and taking him seriously.   It's in the listening that trust is built.  Your teen will better listen to you and take your advice if he learns (through your example) how to listen.

If a teenager senses a parent's temper flaring to match his own, there will be an eruption...every time.  That's something you want to avoid for the good of all...especially for the younger siblings who witness the interaction.   As the parent, you need to maintain a sense of peace and should never lose your composure in a match with your teenager.  That is what the teenager wants.  He/she is already looking for your imperfections.  For you to ever flare-up in front of your teenager is only giving him ammunition to defend himself and argue some more.

Have we had eruptions within our home?  I want to be honest here.  Certainly we've tried striking the match at each other and throwing it.  For some reason the matches fortunately fuse out before they reach their target.  One reason is because our five children happen to come from two parents who hate conflict.  We don't thrive on it and we try to avoid it.  None of our children are overly hot tempered.  Another key reason for this is because when I get upset, my husband has a way of stepping in and making peace.  And vice versa...when I sense an argument is fixing to erupt between my husband and one of the children, I step in and calm the sea. 

I'm aware that not every family has this dynamic to work with.  So another key point would be to remember how pediatricians use to tell new mothers to go in the bedroom and count to ten before doing anything we would regret whenever our two-yr-old threw a tantrum?  Same rule applies for teenagers. 

Do not take anything your teenager directs at you---in a derogatory way---personally.   Go to your room and count to ten if it helps.  That can be a difficult thing to do.  Turning our cheek to our neighbor is far easier than turning it to our child.  The slap from a child hurts ten-fold. Your teen is usually upset at his inability to communicate well or disturbed about a character flaw in himself that he sees reflected in you. But one thing our children don't quite understand, because they are not yet parents themselves, is how deep a parent's love and forgiveness runs.   It's limitless...unending...

Honestly, teens bring a sense of fun into the household...if you let them.

Teens teach you not to take yourself so seriously...because they already do.

Teens teach you that you better learn to laugh at yourself...or they will.

Teens teach you that life is too short...or they've gotten too tall.

Teens teach you that Mom and Dad are no longer superhuman...but they're still expected to be.

Teens teach you that you're never too old to learn...because they will reteach  you everything  you ever thought you knew.

Teens teach you that you should have gotten that counseling degree in college...because they are full of advice, among other things.

Teens teach you how to forgive seventy times seven times.

Teens teach you how to love like Christ loves.

They really do grow up so fast. Before you know it, they'll be in their twenties, holding your first grandchild. Before you know it, they'll be in their thirties rushing to jobs and their own children's activities.  Before you know it, they'll be in their forties and you'll see the first signs of gray hair on their heads.  Before you know it, they'll be in their fifties having to take care of you in the ways you are taking care of them today. 

The years will mature them.  The years will ripen them.  The years will show them all the wisdom that you tried to share with them...and thought you failed.  Not so.  Keep planting the seeds then allow the years to mature them, ripen them, and allow them to bloom.  An oak tree does not grow in one night.  It takes time. 

So, key points from one mom of teenagers to other moms who have teenagers-in-the-making are:

*Parents should work together and remain united, but (and this is huge but formed by a very thin line) both parents should never jump on a child at the same time.  While one parent might have to enforce the discipline, the child needs the other parent to be the harbor to go to; not to undermine the other parent's discipline but to let the child know he is still loved, respected, and supported.

*Avoid eruptions.  Go to your bedroom and count to ten.

*Don't take derogatory remarks too personally. 

*Laugh...a lot!

*Keep your child's heart.  The Maxwell books mentioned above give great advice on how to do this.

*Find the joy in your child.  Never loose sight of the joy and the good points found in each and every child.

*Be Still! and listen.

Enjoy them today.  Life is too short and, though the road is long, one day they will carry you.

Comments

[Dawn]

Cay, thank you for this beautiful post! My oldest is 11, and time is flying. I'm so glad I have friends like you to learn from! :)

[Theresa]

Wonderful advice, Cay and every word of it true! The teenage years can be just as joyous as any other stage in the lives of our children. It is a time to be cherished, all the more so because they will so soon be gone.

[Jennifer]

Cay, I have an 11year old teen-in-the-making here too and this post is just what I needed to hear during these late summer days. Thank you!

[Amy]

Wonderful post, and great advice! I'll be searching for this one in a few years. :)

[Aunt Aneta]

I absolutely loved this post. It's so positive. It reminds me of another wise saying about raising teens: Mom, remember to bite your tongue..A LOT and 'Remember, it's not about you'. That has helped me many times. Thanks again!

[willa]

Cay, I loved this post. So helpful and realistic. As a mom of 3 teens and one young man of 20, I ditto the advice and perspective you give here. Haven't read all those books though, so I'm going to our library system to see which ones they have : )

[Cay]

Thank you all for your encouraging words and support.

Who had the saying "Two things are for certain...death and taxes."?

Parents are assured of three things...taxes, death, and dealing with teenagers. LOL